Doctor Jokes
| Doctor Jokes
*************************************************************** Medical Definitions Anally -- occurring yearly Artery -- study of paintings Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U Caesarian section -- district in Rome Cat scan -- searching for kitty Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her Colic -- sheep dog Coma -- a punctuation mark Congenital -- friendly D&C -- where Washington is Diarrhea -- journal of daily events Dilate -- to live long Enema -- not a friend Fester -- quicker Fibula -- a small lie Genital -- non-Jewish G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game Grippe -- suitcase Hangnail -- coathook Impotent -- distinguished, well known Intense pain -- torture in a teepee Labour pain -- got hurt at work Medical staff -- doctor's cane Morbid -- higher offer Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate Node -- was aware of Outpatient -- person who had fainted Pap smear -- fatherhood test Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis Post operative -- letter carrier Protein -- favoring young people Rectum -- damn near killed 'em Recovery room -- place to do upholstery Rheumatic -- amorous Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf Secretion -- hiding anything Seizure -- Roman emperor Serology -- study of knighthood Tablet -- small tablet Terminal illness -- sickness at airport Tibia -- country in North Africa Tumor -- an extra pair Urine -- opposite of you're out Varicose -- located nearby Vein -- conceited *************************************************************** Doctor Jokes Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers. "Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat. "No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately, he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for, inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that `Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right out of my mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Nineteenth Hole Three physicians are out golfing - then, a sudden storm, a bolt of lightning, choir music in the background: you know the routine. St. Peter says to the first of the trio: "You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life." The first one says: "Uh, well, I graduated second in my class from Yale, and decided to devote my career to the prevention of lazy-eye blindness in children. I've written more than twenty papers on the subject, have lectured at every medical society in the world, and was awarded the Nobel prize for medicine in recognition of my contributions, small as they were." Peter looks at him and says: "Hell, I don't even need to call on you, I read some of your lectures myself. You're in!" Sound of trumpets, gates open, angels carry him inside. "See you guys at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder. Peter says to the second of the trio: "OK, you're next. You know the routine. Let's hear what you did with your life." Number two clears his throat and speaks quietly: "I, uh, didn't have the illustrious career of my fellow, but I can honestly say that I lived a good and productive life, and that I never cheated anybody or bent the rules to make my job easier. Come to think of it, I should also mention that I've spent one day a month at the free clinic for the past twenty-three years, helping to assure proper neo-natal and pre-natal care for disadvantaged mothers and children." Peter looks at him and says: "Hmmm..." He picks up the gold plated telephone, says "Yes, sir", and listens for a moment: then nods, puts the phone down and says "The boss says the free clinic counts for a lot, and he'll let you slide on the affair with what's-his-name's secretary: you're in, too." Sound of trumpets, yadda yadda, same routine. "See you at the nineteenth hole!" he yells over his shoulder. "OK", says the Archangel, "third ones the charm. How about you?" The last doctor straightens his back, looks him in the eye and speaks: "I realized very early on that my expertise was as a people manager, and I've made a solid career by forging proactive alliances between doctors, nurses, patients, and other health care professionals. I managed the Wall street Community Health Plan for seventeen years, and during my stay I formed the first Tiger teams in health care management, combining professionals from all areas of expertise to contain health care costs and establish realistic levels of care and service on a going forward basis. During my tenure at WCHP, the average cost of care per patient declined over sixty-four percent." Saint Peter raises an eyebrow, and then the phone chimes: he lifts it slowly. "Yes, sir. Yes, sir, sixty-four percent". After a moment more, he smiles, and says "of course, sir, that's very fair." "The boss says you can come in, too", he tells the much-relieved executive. The gates slide open, the trumpets blare, the angels come out, and then Peter intones: "Oh, by the way - the head guy only authorized a two-day stay." A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work??? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth. And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says, 'Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now.' - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a depressed dentist? A little down in the mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances? Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor? Doctor: A kite! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr. Sozzle? No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bill: My wife beats me, doctor Doctor: Oh dear. How often? Bill: Every time we play Scrabble! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don't see why not," replies the doctor. "That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Seen in the comic strip "Herman": Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed "Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care." "Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chico Marx, a member of the famed Marx Brothers, once told the story of how a bout of stomach trouble had sent him to the doctor. The doctor prescribed plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. "I'll stop by this evening and see how you're doing," the doctor said. "In the meantime, drink at least four glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty of it." That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, "You're much better this evening. Just be sure you don't drink any milk. Not one glass. It's not for you." "But, doctor," Chico exclaimed, "only this morning you told me that milk was what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it." "Well, what do you know?" the doctor replied. "It certainly goes to show that we've made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Received from someone who thought it was a true story: A kid had cut open a golf ball and had eaten the liquid center. The stuff in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed that it was some petroleum product. She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the general practitioner was rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core. "I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented. The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls with liquid centers. Another quick phone call, and the answer: the center was made of cod liver oil. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ One of my favorites: A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chewing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!" The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From "What The Queen Said", by Stoddard King: The Doctors Nowadays there's little meaning For a person to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name He may be a chiropractor Or a painless tooth extractor He's entitled to the title just the same. Or perhaps he is a preacher Or a lecturer or teacher, Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip; He may keep a home for rummies, Or massage fat people's tummies, Or specialize in ailments of the hip. Everybody is a "doctor," From the backwoods herb concocter To the man who takes bunions from your toes; From the frowning dietitian To the snappy electrician Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes. So there's very little meaning For a sufferer to be gleaning When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name. He may pound you, he may starve you, He may cut your hair or carve you, You have got to call him Doctor all the same! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A South African doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery: In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch." He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do." She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her, "Okay, hop down." She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says, "Doc! I feel great! What'd you do?" He says, "I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-wavin. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam." To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two tents." (Too tense, get it? :-) ) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession. Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process. Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." "I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get serious doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said. The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?" "No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask what's the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon at the park bench with other senior citizens. He tells his friend, "Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!" His friend replies, "You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man comes to a doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor. After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help. "Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?" "Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test." A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?" The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!" A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society. The Surgeon General warns: 1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal. 2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield. 3. Never moon a werewolf. 5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!" 6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmatian with spot remover. 7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother. 8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones. 15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals. 18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth. 19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet. 26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you. 28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand. 29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot." 31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year. 35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Taxonomy Of Medical Professions An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A stream of urologists ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sigmund Freud had many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to laundry. Here is a quick test to see how you relate to it: When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look out for? A Jeans B Shirts C Socks D Sex What frightens you most about going into the launderette? A Losing one sock of your favorite pair B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix C Spiders D Sex What do you use to wash your clothes? A Bold B Persil C Ariel D Bio-Sex When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do? A Walk away and do something else B Stand and look at it C Sit and look at it D Lie down and do something else You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of? A Someone you know B Coffee C A butterfly D Sex If you answered D to most of these questions, then I would be most interested to meet you and discuss it at greater length. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Okay, ask.
Son: When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father : !!!??????!!!
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The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
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A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. - Seneca
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A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
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Exercise Excuses, from "Men's Health"
Here are some excuses doctors and physical therapists heard from patients explaining why they can't exercise, according to "The Physician and Sportsmedicine":
"An earthquake drained my pool."
"My dog ate my running shoes."
"I can't exercise because of the grizzly bear." (Heard near a popular walking path in Anchorage, Alaska)
"My wife would be angry with me if I lost weight."
"If I exercise, I might not have enough energy left over for sex."
"I can't because of the volcanic ash."
"The TV at the gym is always on something I don't want to watch."
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A Des Moines, Iowa physician has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
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Doctors at University Hospital in Amsterdam, Holland, are piping disco music into incubators to improve the breathing rhythm of premature babies. The doctors say they started the technique with Perry Como records, but found infant breathing was too slow and unable to keep a beat, so they switched to disco.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."
The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already here."
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From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, December 12, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
[Music: "Like a Surgeon" by Weird Al Yankovic]
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Reuters News Service - Paul Bint, 32, a former psychiatric patient, likes to play doctor. Enough, in fact, that he attended to patients in British hospitals and bragged to a friend that he was adept at taking out spleens. He pleaded guilty this week to nine charges of burglary, theft, obtaining property by deception and forging a prescription.
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From a USA Today article: Houston plastic surgeon Jean Cukier was having difficulty with a lamp in his office, so he decided he had better unplug it. He was rewarded by a nasty shock. Feeling lightheaded, he went into his own operating room and hooked himself up to a heart monitor, which showed an unstable rhythm. While an assistant called for an ambulance, Dr. Cukier put his defibrillator paddles on his own chest and shocked himself again, normalizing his heart beat.
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A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, "There's lots of openings."
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A lady in San Francisco who had endured the tribulations of a gynecological "overhauling" set her reactions in rhyme:
They cut me up, they cut me down, And they take my insides out, But there's some of me here, And it's all the more dear For that which I do without. They wash my stomach out until I wish it were not mine, And all the while they sweetly smile And say, "She's doing fine!" They give me broth instead of food, And junk food for dessert, They poke my tum and then, by gum, They ask me if it hurts! They tangle up my private works With pains that will not pass, And all the time, their faces shine... You see, it's ONLY GAS! |