Legal Jokes
| Legal Funnies
********************************************************************************** True and Funny Tidbits From Law Classes
Whomever said law is NOT funny was wrong! :-)
"People are going to be giving $1000's of dollars to the Home Shopping Network for autographed Elvis pictures. RECENTLY autographed Elvis pictures."
"I like to eat. I like to drink. I like to do... other things as well."
BUT SAME PROF. ADMITS "OTHER THINGS" AREN'T FOR EVERYBODY... "Promiscuous sex. . .would detract from time available for administering duties of the state."
PROFESSOR: ...and those rules would suggest... Mr. Smith? STUDENT: Um, I'm sorry... could you repeat the question? PROF: No, Mr. Smith. Why don't you pick a question? STUDENT: Okay. May we adjourn for the day?
[Our class was exposed to a second "Hustler Magazine" court case in two days]
"Yes, folks, this just goes to show that I really *CAN* teach this entire class from a porno mag." and "Some of the faculty asked me 'Hey, so are you going to bring visual aids to class today? Heh heh!'. This simply demonstrates that their sense of humor is really no better than yours."
[This Criminal Law prof was trying to demonstrate how defense lawyers were often able to use crazy semantics to get clients off...]
"This man was caught in flagrante delicto (having sex) with a chicken. He was charged under the applicable state laws, which prohibited men from engaging in sexual acts with "any beast." His lawyer argued, of course, that a chicken is not a "beast," it's a bird. The court didn't buy it. However, for your edification, I have for you... exhibit 'A' -- the Bird!" [reaches under his desk and brings out a large rubber chicken]
[From my Civil Procedure Professor, talking about the Dalkon Shield, an interuterine device that was ruled to be defective and harmful]
"Certainly, the harm caused by the Dalkon Shield is a serious matter, and therefore it's understandable that damages were awarded to a great many plaintiffs. However, one class action suit rightfully DID NOT prevail. A group of MEN filed a complaint alleging serious bodily injury stemming from use of the IUD. It seems that the makers of the Dalkon Shield did not print any warnings about internal consumption or ingestion of the device. These men did not prevail, though perhaps they're a bit more careful now."
[the topic was on privacy laws, and the professor had just finished telling us about an event a few years back when an adjunct professor had essentially snapped and sauntered naked through our law library.]
PROF: What type of privacy should have been accorded to this professor? Would he have any actions against individuals taking and publishing pictures of him?... STUDENT: Who was it? Which professor? PROF: No way! Look, I haven't gotten tenure, okay? I'm not telling you that! [Prof decides it'd be wise to discuss a different situation relating to privacy] PROF: Okay, a famous person is in his home, and someone across the street is using a telephoto lens to take pictures of him... STUDENT: How much is he wearing, or not wearing? (female) PROF: No, no, forget the library case, okay?! He's fully dressed... [. . .] PROF: Okay, pretend I'm Cindy Crawford, and I happen to be casually browsing in Border's Bookstore. Does Border's have the right to take pictures of me and use them in commercial advertisements, like "Shop where Cindy Shops...?" ME: Wait a minute, are you naked?
[The professor pretty much gave up on us by this point. Fortunately, he has a good sense of humor :)]
**********************************************************************************
Article 1
Subject: Re: Texas Dildo Laws? Date: Wed, 07 Feb 1996 16:42:30 -0600
In article <4fanva$7f6@crl12.crl.com>, verdant@crl.com (Janet W. Hardy) wrote:
>A friend on another list was asking me recently if I knew of any authenticated cases in which someone was prosecuted for owning or selling dildos in Texas. > >Can any of you folks help?
Haven't heard of such a case in recent memory, though I can tell you that stores selling "medical replicas for educational purposes" have you fill out a form agreeing that you are using this for educational demonstrations only.
Also, remember that owning more than *six* dildos is considered "intent to sell" rather than collecting...
-- Moiner
Article 2
Subject: Re: Texas Dildo Laws? Date: 8 Feb 1996 17:07:19 GMT
In article <moiner-0702961642300001@dialup-37.austin.io.com>, Moiner <moiner@io.com> wrote: >In article <4fanva$7f6@crl12.crl.com>, verdant@crl.com (Janet W. Hardy) wrote: > >>A friend on another list was asking me recently if I knew of any authenticated cases in which someone was prosecuted for owning or selling dildos in Texas. >> >>Can any of you folks help? > >Haven't heard of such a case in recent memory, though I can tell you that stores selling "medical replicas for educational purposes" have you fill out a form agreeing that you are using this for educational demonstrations >only.
Kinda like here in Indiana where you can buy fireworks, as long as you sign a statement promising to take them out of state before you light the fuses. I wonder if they could bust me for lighting a fuse on a firecracker the instant before I cross the state line into Illinois? I *know* the Illinois State Police will bust me and Newt Gingrich would probably get me nailed on the Mann Act.
Article 3
Subject: Re: Texas Dildo Laws? Date: Thu, 8 Feb 1996 15:30:27 -0800
On Wed, 7 Feb 1996, Moiner wrote:
> > Also, remember that owning more than *six* dildos is considered "intent to > sell" rather than collecting...
As Molly Ivins put it:
"Did you know that in the state of Texas, owning six or more 'phallic sex toys' makes you a felon? (Apparently, in the eyes of our lawmakers, you can own up to five such devices and simply be a hobbyist.)"
Gotta love that woman.
--Asharte
Article 4
Subject: Re: Texas Dildo Laws? Date: 9 Feb 1996 11:25:39 -0600
In article <4fanva$7f6@crl12.crl.com>, Janet W. Hardy <verdant@crl.com> wrote: >A friend on another list was asking me recently if I knew of any authenticated cases in which someone was prosecuted for owning or selling dildos in Texas. > >Can any of you folks help? >
The most current case I'm aware of is Shades Of Grey, a leather store which was raided about a year ago. The case has not yet gone to trial.
Dildos are just one item prohibited under the law, which refers to "obscene devices" and gives dildos and artificial vaginas as examples of obscene devices, which are anything which is "primarily designed or marketed" as useful for stimulating human genital organs. That's why the tags on the small whips my fiancee and I sell DON'T say they can be used as genital whips... :)
In theory, dildos are totally illegal to sell or posess with intent to sell,as are other obscene devices. In practice, only in certain parts of Texas are the laws strenuously enforced. The only stores I know which openly sell dildos are in Austin, where they are sold (with a straight face, yet) as "condom demonstration models." The last time my fiancee and I were in Austin, we saw a saleslady explaining to a small group of women how useful it was that one of their condom demonstration models included a suction cup base, just in case you wanted to say, demonstrate condom use on top of your washing machine... She didn't even crack a hint of a smile, which is why it was all we could do to keep from exploding with laughter.
**********************************************************************************
"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What heppened then? A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
**********************************************************************************
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge ."
A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." "Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.'"
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Running into a lawyer's private office, a butcher yelled angrily, "If a dog steals a hunk of meat from my shop, is his owner obligated to pay?" "Sure," replied the lawyer. "Okay then, your dog just stole half a rib roast worth $20 from my shop." "Give him the other half," said the lawyer, "and it will cover my consultation fee."
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?"
"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs." --Anonymous
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.
What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn't take its wing-tips off at night.
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again." Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers." "Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."
A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow." "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 when we broke in!"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!"
A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. "What's he talking about?" he whispered. "How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it," the attorney said.
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy- you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance backed up suddenly.
"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers." A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit." "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life."
"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy.
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!" "What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."
A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
A lawyer's job is secure--who would build a robot to do nothing? **********************************************************************************
S.C. Anderson PO Box 1302 Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir:
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put ``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely, S. Anderson
**********************************************************************************
God and the Devil are arguing over whose turn it is to fix the Gates. God says,"Hey look, it's your turn to fix them. I fixed them last time."
The devil says,"No way. They're you're gates. I don't want to fix them. What are ya gonna do if I don't fix them?"
God says, "I'll sue you."
The Devil says, "Oh yeah? Where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
********************************************************************************** "Longing For The Innocence"
The top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but aren't:
********************************************************************************** More Goofy Laws * * * In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted." In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story movies. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face). In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel... however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law. In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue." In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses." ********************************************************************************** More crazy court quotes... Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word: * * * Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! * * * Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. * * * Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? * * * Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. * * * Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. * * * Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. * * * Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. * * * Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. * * * Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? * * * Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. * * * Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. * * * Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? * * * Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. * * * Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. ********************************************************************************** FUNNY COURT QUOTES More funny court comments... Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. * * * THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. * * * Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. * * * Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. * * * Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. * * * - - - --------------------- Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? - - - --------------------- Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? - - - -------------------- Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? - - - ------------------- Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture |