Miscellaneous Jokes
| Funnies in No Category
JOKE O' THE DAY: Q: Why is sex so popular? A: Because it's centrally located. ********************************************* Quote for the Day: Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma ********************************************* BROOKLYN HEIGHTS, Ohio (AP) -- A man was arrested with a boa constrictor in his boxer shots. How it got there we may never know. Brian Dawson of Garfield Heights was arrested Saturday on charges including speeding and driving with a false license. Officers noticed him scratching himself. Because Dawson couldn't pay his $100 bail, officers at the police station asked him to get into prison garb. That's when the 1 1/2-foot snake popped out from his underwear. Dawson remained in jail Tuesday. ********************************************* Lightbulb Humor Geek Humour (???) Q: How many Windoze programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK, there could be four or five things wrong...Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light blubs burn out, and to figur out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many testers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. Two holding the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb? A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future references to this light-bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programs does it take to change a light bulb? A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light-bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light-bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...
Q: How many shipping depatment personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2pm, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q: How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb? A: It depends on how many burntout bulbs he brought with him.
Q: How many Newton users does it take to change a light bulb? A: Foux! there to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the light bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft gets US $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. ********************************************* Little Tommy had been chosen to give a talk about the things he saw on his way to school each morning....The first morning came along and he stood up in front of the class. "Today, I saw the big black bull fuck the brown cow," he announced. "Tommy!" yelled the teacher. "You mustn't say such filthy things. A more polite way of saying it would have been, `The big black bull surprised the brown cow.'" The next morning when it was time to give his talk, Tommy got up in front of the class. "This morning the big black bull surprised the brown cow," he said. "That's much better," the teacher smiled. "Yeah Miss," Tommy added. "But that's only 'cos he fucked the white cow instead." **************************** Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: It gives them something else to moan about. ********************************************* The difference between wife and mistress...day and night. * * * ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers * House passes gas tax onto senate * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water * Farmer bill dies in house * Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
* Queen Mary having bottom scraped * Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? * Prostitutes appeal to Pope * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over * NJ judge to rule on nude beach * Child's stool great for use in garden * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again * Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
* Eye drops off shelf * Squad helps dog bite victim * Dealers will hear car talk at noon * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests * Miners refuse to work after death * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
* Never withhold herpes from loved one * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Child's death ruins couple's holiday * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Man is fatally slain * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation ********************************************* GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one.. I got really snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible..I'd say "Get well soon"... but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping...I thought it was flat..when I looked at the tire.. I found your cat.. Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.. here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you are gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they found out you're one.. of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day..look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you.. How upset you must be..Don't fret about your wife though..she's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead..and it was so alive..you shouldn't have installed...Win'95. 9. You totalled your car..and can't remember why..maybe it was..that case of Bud Dry. 10. So you lost your job..It's one of those hardships in life...Next time, work harder..and stay away from the boss's wife... *********************************************
Little Lucy
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".{>>>> Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy! "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
********************************************* TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE PULLED OVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece. 9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky? 8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! 7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. 6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy! 5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! 4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen? 3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. 2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? 1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
********************************************* PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from our salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. ********************************************* Wanta Bet? An elderly lady walked into a branch of Citibank holding a large bag in her hand. She told the teller at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she has in the bag and open an account with the bank. > She said that first, though, she would like to meet the president of Citibank. > Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that this was a reasonable request and after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to $3 million, the teller called the president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. > The woman was escorted up to the president's office and ushered in. > Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. > The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. > "Was it inheritance?" he asked. > "No" she answered. > "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. > "No" she answered > He was quiet for a second trying to think of where this elderly lady could have possibly come up with 3 million dollars. > "A bet" she stated > "As in the horses?" he asked > "No," She replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 tomorrow morning your balls will be square." > The bank president thought that this old lady was off her rocker and decided to take the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. > For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. > When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was ok. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. They looked the same as always. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. > He knew that this would be his lucky day. How often do you get paid$25,000 for doing nothing? > At 10:00 sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in his office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. > "Well" she asked, "What about the bet?" > "I don't know how to tell you this" he replied, "But I am the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." > The lady seemed to except this, but requested that she see for herself. > The president thought this was a reasonable request given the amount of money involved, and he dropped his trousers. > She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed hold of him....sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. > The president looked up and saw her lawyer standing there across the room banging his head against the wall. > "Whats with him?" he inquired. > "Oh, him," she answered. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Citibank by the balls." ********************************************* > True story: >When you unpack a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in >Louisiana, it arrives with this article in the packaging. >No kidding! > > IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE > >Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine >device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it >via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why >we ask you to: > > PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? > > YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? > > WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!? > >We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because >we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where >it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed >the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these >instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull >is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. >OK? > >Now let's talk about: > >1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. > PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. > Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiance, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. > WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY >THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE >ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner >exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. >Besides the device, the box should contain: > * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" > * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. > * YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
> IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why." >WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. >And not Pete.
> DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. > WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY. >3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
WARNING: THIS MAY BE IN VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS ON HER COPY OF THAT "SHOGUN" TAPE. ********************************************* Drivers' Wisdom Why it takes a license to drive The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read: Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. ********************************************************************** Do you have the address of OJ Simpson's new Web Site? http: slash, slash, backslash, escape ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why does an elephant have 4 feet? Because 8 inches isn't enough ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain? Gifted. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I hope it's mine!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date? If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions on the way down. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two drunks were having a good time in a bar. The drinks get to one of them so he relieves himself in the restroom but forgets to zip up his pants. When he returns, his friend cries, "Hey, you got a snake between your legs!" The guy says, "Well don't just sit there, kill it!" The other guy grabs a bottle and smashes it on the head. "Owwww, hit it again...it just bit me!!!" Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ---------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other is a slow, white Bronco. ---------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? The genealogist looks up the family tree; The gynecologist looks up the family bush. ---------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A yuppie gets into a car accident with his BMW and is very upset! A cop comes over to assist him. The yuppie is yelling, "My car, my brand new BMW is totaled!!!" The cop says, "You yuppies are all alike, you're just materialistic! In fact, you were so upset about your car being wrecked that you didn't even notice that half your arm is cut off." The yuppie looks at his arm in shock and yells, "My watch, my brand new Rolex is gone!" Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Here is a different answerphone message. "Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What does Michael Jackson and K-Mart have in common? Very often they both have little boy's underwear half-off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A polish couple was returning from shopping and started to walk to their car. They notice that a guy was trying to break into their car. The wife told him to catch him so the husband dropped the packages and ran toward the car. The thief breaks in and starts driving the car away. The husband chases them for a couple of yards and stops. The wife comes over and yells, "Why did you stop?!" The husband says, "Oh don't worry, I got his license plate number." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What is it that has six legs and a bra? Peter, Paul and Mary. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur "showing." Courtesy of Alicia - Panama City FL ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A cowboy is captured by Indians and is given 3 days before his death. The chief decides that he would grant the cowboy 1 wish each day. He asks the cowboy what he wants for his first wish. "I want to see my horse", says the cowboy. They bring him the horse and the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear then the horse runs off. A few hours later the horse comes back with a naked blonde. They both go into the cowboy's teepee. The chief's aide says to the chief, "Look at this whiteman, he will die in 3 days and this is all he can think of." The next day, the chief tells him to make another wish. "I want to see my horse", says the cowboy. They bring him the horse and the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear then the horse runs off. A few hours later the horse comes back with a naked brunette. They both go into the cowboy's teepee. The chief's aide says to the chief, "Look at this whiteman, he will die in 2 days and this is all he can think of." The next day, the chief tells him to make one final wish. "I want to see my horse", says the cowboy. They bring him the horse and the cowboy yells in the horse's ear, "Posse...I said posse...read my lips...POSSE!!!!" Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ---------------------------------------------------------- Palindromes - Courtesy of Neil "Fred" Picciotto's Home Page What is a palindrome? Webster says, "a word, verse, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward." •A man, a plan, a canal, Panama •A Santa at NASA •A Toyota •Ah, Satan sees Natasha •Dammit, I'm Mad •Do geese see god? •Golf? No sir, prefer prison flog •If I had a hi-fi •No lemons, no melon •No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon •Nurses run •Racecar •Strap on no parts •Too hot to hoot ---------------------------------------------------------- The frequency of sex From 20 to 30 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night. From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, he misses a morning and sometimes a night. From 40 to 50, its just now and then. From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when. From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind! ---------------------------------------------------------- What is 12 inches long, 3 inches wide and hangs in front of an asshole? Bill Clinton's tie. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to the doctor and tells him that his penis is orange. The doctor doesn't know what to make of it so he tells him to come back next week to see if the condition persists. The next week, the guy comes back in with the same problem. The doctor starts to ask some questions to figure out what is causing it, "Tell me about yourself?" The guy says, "Well, I'm single and live alone at home." "Okay", the doctor says, "tell me what your lifestyle is like...what do you do on your spare time?" The guy says, "Well, I like to watch porno movies and eat Cheetos." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ---------------------------------------------------------- I know where you can get a job if you want one. At the hospital operating the circumcision machine. You are guaranteed fifty skins a week with a chance to get A HEAD. ---------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a dog that has no legs? It does not matter what you call him, he will not come to you. Courtesy of Mike - Baton Rouge LA ---------------------------------------------------------- You are locked in a room with Saddam Hussien, Moamar Khadafi and a lawyer. You have one gun but only two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice to make certain that he is dead! ---------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the computer program written by a faggot? C:Enter ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky! Courtesy of Ralph - Boston MA ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll last. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once asked what he thought about "Roe vs. Wade" Dan Quale answered - Two ways to cross a river. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy comes into a bar and asks the bartender for 15 year old scotch. The bartender thinks this guy is a fake and wouldn't know the difference so he pours him 5 year old scotch. The guys says, "Hey, this is 5 year old scotch! I said I wanted 15 year old scotch." The bartender thinks that he was just lucky so he pours him 10 year old scotch. The guy tastes it and says, "Hey, this is 10 year old scotch. Will you pour me 15 year old scotch?!" The bartender realizes that this guy knows what he's talking about so he does pour him the good stuff. Finally, the guy says, "Finally, 15 year old scotch!" A drunk guy on the side of the bar watches the whole thing and comes over with a shot glass with liquid inside. He tells the guy to taste it. The guy tastes it and spits it out, "Hey, this is piss!" The drunk says, "That's good, now tell me how old I am." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Mexican guy, Pedro, robs a US bank and hides the bags of money before going into town for a drink. The sheriff gets word that the robbery took place and goes to the bar to apprehend him. The sheriff asks Pedro where the money is. Pedro says that he doesn't understand English so the sheriff asks the bartender to translate for him. The bartender asks Pedro, "The sheriff wants to know where you hid the money." The Pedro tells the bartender, "I'm not going to tell him." The sheriff takes out his gun and points it to his head and again tells the bartender to translate, "The sheriff says that if you don't tell him where the money is, he will shoot you in the head." Pedro tells the bartender where the sack of money is. The bartender translates, "Pedro says that he's not afraid to die." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two visitors from the mainland come to visit the big island of Hawaii. They argue about the pronunciation, Hawaii...Havai'i. They decide to settle the matter by going to the local Burger King. They ask the guy at the counter, "We have a bet to settle, can you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" The guy at the counter says, "Burrrrrgerrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman goes to see the doctor and explains her problem, "I have a problem that is very embarrassing. I fart uncontrollably! I fart everywhere...in meetings, in the stores, in elevators...I just can't stop! The good thing is that it neither smells nor makes a sound. In fact, while we were talking I farted twice!" The doctor scribbles a prescription for her. She reads it and says, "Nasal drops??? I have a farting problem and you prescribe nasal drops???!!!" "Yes", the doctor says, "we'll take things in order. First we'll fix your smelling then your hearing, then the farting." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A teacher decides to do something unique in her class to teach them sensory perception. She tells everyone to close their eyes and stick out their tongues. She puts cherry lifesavers in their mouths and asks them to guess what it is. They all guess it correctly. She then puts lemon flavored lifesavers and again the kids all guess it correctly. Finally, she puts honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths and the kids are all puzzled. "Well," says the teacher, "let me give you all a hint...this is probably what your parents call each other every day." Bobby jumps up, "Spit it out guys, they're assholes!" Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman goes to surgery for a hip replacement and after the successful surgery receives a bill for a whopping $5000! She gets all upset and demands that the doctor give her an itemized bill. She gets the bill and reads it... One hip screw -$1.00Knowing what to do with it -$4999.00Total -$5000.00 Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A doctor who does a lot of circumcision decided awhile ago to keep the foreskin thinking that he could do something with it later. Well, over the years, the foreskin accumulated so that he needed to find something to do with it. He called his friend who made things from leather and asked if he could do something with it. A few weeks later the friend brings the doctor a foreskin wallet. The doctor says, "What's this? I gave you all that foreskin and that's all you could make...a wallet??!!" His friend says, "No you don't understand, it's more than a wallet. If you stroke it, it becomes a suitcase." Courtesy of Darryl - Honolulu ********************************************* Life's little wonders. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? >> >> * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? >> >> * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? >> >> * Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? >> >> * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? >> >> * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? >> >> * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? >> >> * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? >> >> * If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? >> >> * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? >> >> * If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? >> >> * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? >> >> * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? >> >> * You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? >> >> * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? >> >> * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? >> >> * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? >> >> * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? >> >> * Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? >> >> * Did you know who in 1923 was: >> >> 1. President of the largest steel company? >> >> 2. President of the largest gas company? >> >> 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? >> >> 4. Greatest wheat speculator? >> >> 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? >> >> 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? >> >> * These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these >men? >> >> 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. >> >> 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. >> >> 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. >> >> 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. >> >> 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. >> >> 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. >> >> * The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. >> >> Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.
CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF ********************************************* A Fairy Princess This guy woke up one morning with a big red ring around his penis, which bothered him a great deal since he was sexually active and not too careful most of the time. Well, he went to the Doctor, who did a lot of tests then gave him some ointment to use on the redness. The guy went back a week later and said, "Hey Doc, that stuff really worked great!! What was it." The Doctor smiled and replied: lipstick remover!
********************************************* Rejected Titles for the Movie Twister
16> "Totally Gone With The Wind" 15> "Lift and Separate" 14> "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn" 13> "The Weather Channel: The Movie" 12> "Schindler's Twist" 11> "Field of Debris" 10> "Dead Man Flying" 9> "I, Cumulus" 8> "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" 7> "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County" 6> "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto" 5> "Killer Genuine Draft" 4> "Four Weddings & A Funnel" 3> "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom" 2> "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"
and the number 1 rejected title is...
1> "Roofless in Seattle"
************************************************************ Snails A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for a group of important French businessmen. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she > didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. > > Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little > further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and _talk_ to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful > woman was standing right over him. > > They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. > > At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. > > He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there." ********************************************* Addicted to Thinking It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. ****************************************************************** DID YOU HEAR...? Did you hear about the hooker who specialized in bondage? She was always strapped for cash. |