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English Language Funnies

For your reading pleasure... :)

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Now that English has become the universal language it is

constantly being used in new and creative ways around

the world, as can be seen by the following...

 

In a Tokyo hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a

person to do such a thing please do not read this notice.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we

regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the

cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number

of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by

national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the

hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the

chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox

monastery:

 

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian

and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily

except Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in

the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy

dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef

rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will

execute customers in strict rotation.

 

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet

Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the

past two years.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site

that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live

together in one tent unless they are married with each other for

the purpose.

 

In a Zurich hotel:

Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the

opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be

used for this purpose.

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.

 

In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon

having a good time.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

Would you like to ride on your own ass?

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

Special today -- no ice cream.

 

In a Bangkok temple:

It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if

dressed as a man.

 

In a Tokyo bar:

Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, then you are

welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable

food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:

Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are

best in the long run.

 

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in

your room, please control yourself.

 

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.

Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your

passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking

- Here speeching American

 

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That Crazy English Language!

ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are

candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,

2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that

run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell

one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but

when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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Indications of Educational Shortcomings

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and

teachers:

"When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal."

"We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee."

"You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal."

"It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage."

"At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year."

"Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure."

"LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed."

"Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken."

"Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest."

"Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist."

"Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool."

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The College Food Chain

THE DEAN

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

Leaps short buildings with a single bound

Is more powerful than a switch engine

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Talks with God

PROFESSOR

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds

Is almost as powerful as a switch engine

Is faster than a speeding BB

Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool

Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

Barely clears a quonset hut

Loses tug of war with a locomotive

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is ocassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

Makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings

Is run over by locomotives

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Treads water

Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR

Climbs walls continually

Rides the rails

Plays Russian Roulette

Walks on thin ice

Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT

Runs into buildings

Recognizes locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued ammunition

Can stay afloat with a life jacket

Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings

Says "Look at the choo-choo"

Wets himself with a water pistol

Plays in mud puddles

Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them

Freezes water with a single glance

She IS God.

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Purity Test Info

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world.

It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax containsthe heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.

I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

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Latin lesson for the day

In a New York magazine competition, competitors were asked to change ONE

letter in a familiar non-english phrase, and redefine it. A source typed

these in from the competition results.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail.

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTE - I can stay for the weekend.

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.

REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots.

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding.

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.

PARDONNEZ-MOT - That wasn't funny. Sorry.

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO - Fast retort.

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such pain you should never

know.

MAZEL TON - Lots of luck.

APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet.

PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine.

ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine.

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it.

CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip.

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.

L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge.

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There was this Texas Aggie who needed just one more class to complete his schedule....he was looking for something easy and a friend told him about 'logic 101' but suggested he talk to the professor as to the classes contents....so the Aggie made an appointment to see the professor and asked him what the class was like.

The professor said, " it would be easier if I showed you."

So he asked the Aggie if he owned a weed eater.

"Why yes", the Aggie replied

......so the professor says "may I presume that you also own a lawnmower"

...the Aggie replied affirmatively

....so the professor continues "if you own a weed eater and a lawn mower I presume you have a yard"

......"sure do" said the Aggie.

.....so the professor says...."and you own a home"

...."Yes!" the Aggie exclaims in amazement

......the professor continues "and if you own a home and have a yard I think its logical to presume you are married and have children"

.....the Aggie is totally amazed and nods his head yes

......the professor then says "and if you are married and have children I presume you're not a homosexual"

......"Why that's true" the Aggie responds

.........the professor then says...."that is an example of Logic 101!"

Later that day while talking with friends, one fellow askes him if he ever figured out what class to take.....

"Yes" says the Aggie....."Logic 101"

....."what's that about" questions the other fellow....

well the Aggie says...."let me show you the way my professor showed me"

......"do you own a weedeater?"

"No", says the fellow

"You faggot!" exclaims the Aggie.